I’ve let the clothes pile up on my bed.

The washer broke three weeks ago. A valve busted one morning in the cold; the boys and I came home from a grabbing a fast food breakfast to water running all over the car port…
So I haul clothes to my mom’s and she washes them while I’m at work.
I haul them home and they just sit there- on my bed…
because I’m too tired to think about putting them away…

I’ve been sleeping on the couch,

It’s like deployment mode-
except he’s not in harms way,
he doesn’t put on a uniform,
he doesn’t have a pillow on my bed
and I’m not holding on to a dirty shirt because it smells like him…

and he’s not my husband anymore….

The new valve for the washer is still in the box. One of these days, I’ll find a screwdriver and replace it.
maybe not.
Empty boxes are piled in the corner. We’re moving out, did you know? I don’t know exactly when I’ll pack; just that it has to be done before April One.
I’m sad to be giving up our rental house. It’s been such a good, good house.
But money is tight and it’ll only get tighter, and for a while,
I think I need a little breathing room…

Back to my parents’ house, we go…

It’s tax season, and work is crazy.
There’s a wedding in April and my bridesmaid dress doesn’t zip and tomorrow,
I’ll toss all the candy out of my office, and make time to run–
because in two months,
I have to walk down the aisle in a pretty dress and put on a smile and
stand with a dear family friend as she promises to love this man for the rest of her life…

I don’t know what happens from here…

The boys aren’t playing baseball. and my parents bought a camper last fall.
We should be out camping somewhere on the weekends, but it seems
like there isn’t any time for that.
Storms come through tonight, and @Spann says there could be tornadoes.
Austin wants to know where our safe place is and how are we supposed to watch the weather
when our tv is broken…

Sigh. Our tv isn’t broken, child.

We just don’t have cable.
Friends are going out to eat tonight and I could go and I could take the boys but
there’s all these other things that need to be done, and so I turn them down, and
I say another time, for the thousandth time.

There are some days, I dream of packing it all up and cramming it all in,
leaving a trail of forgotten things behind…
And some days, I realize… I’m already doing that…


  1. I can identify with quite a bit here, though I know that no one ever truly “understands” someone else’s experience. I have followed this blog for quite some time now, and I know you’ve been strong enough for everything else–you are strong enough for today, as well. Good thoughts and prayers today.

  2. All of this, every part, is what makes me wonder if I could ever make the leap by myself if I needed to. Or would I just stay because it’s easier – in a way. I admire your strength, guts, perseverance so much. You can do this, you are doing this.

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